


Lenin's Beard vs. AMERICA

by KuriKoer



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Adult Themes, Banter, Bearded Steve Rogers, Beards (Facial Hair), Flirting, Gen, M/M, Shaving, Steve Rogers Swears, Tag Team, Teasing, Threesome, Threesome - M/M/M, catch phrase, pop culture references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-28
Updated: 2018-02-28
Packaged: 2019-03-25 03:30:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13825539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KuriKoer/pseuds/KuriKoer
Summary: At first, they were just messing with Steve; and then they weren't.





	Lenin's Beard vs. AMERICA

Ten minutes into their first battle together, and eight minutes after Thor looked up at the green jello monster and exclaimed "Odin's Beard!", another jello monster appeared, and Bucky looked up at it and said with great gusto, "Lenin's Beard!"

Steve didn't close his eyes, but he really wanted to. He was too busy bashing his shield against the force field surrounding the... wizard... scientist... The idiot who was responsible for the sentient jello.

There was a choked snort over the comms, from where Clint was trying to keep professional, and an unbridled chortle from Iron Man's speakers. At least the noise distracted the idiot wizard-scientist enough that Steve managed to bash him on the foot this time. That had to hurt.

*

"You do not take this seriously, methinks," Thor said gravely.

"Nope," Bucky agreed with a sunny smile.

"Odin's Beard is a great and powerful oath where I come from," Thor said.

"Lenin's beard messes with Steve," Bucky explained. There was a moment's pause while in the background Clint snickered, tossing popcorn into his mouth. Bucky took a long sip from his post-victory beer.

"Ah," Thor said, his expression brightening, "mischief. This, I know."

"Yeah you do," Tony commented from where he was sprawled on the other sofa, sucking in a fresh berries smoothie. He winked at Bucky. "Say, tough guy with a soft doughy center, is this a solo game or can anyone jump in?"

Bucky gestured expansively. "Be my guest, exoshell."

*

The next battle was against regular guys carrying very irregular weapons. Not HYDRA, not AIM, but definitely something out of this world, tweaked with the mean genius only humans can provide.

Bucky got in "Lenin's beard!" twice before Tony saw his opening, and he swooped in and snatched it.

"Lennon's glasses, Steve! This one almost got you!" he broadcasted loud and clear after barrelling into the would-be attacker.

Steve never even stopped running, but with his free hand he sent Tony the finger.

*

"At least we're not swearing," Tony said reasonably, barely holding back his gleeful cackles.

Steve looked up from his paella, chewed and swallowed his mouthful, and said with exaggerated pronunciation, "Fuck you and the nuclear repulsors you rode in on."

While Tony did his best to appear wounded, clutching his chest, widening his eyes, and biting his lips to hold back the chortles, Bucky gallantly stepped in.

"Lenin's beard, Steve! Your language!" he chided, attempting to look shocked and disappointed in Steve, his manners, and his general upbringing.

Steve speared a shrimp on his fork and said placidly, "I hate every single one of you."

Clint, now laughing hysterically, fell off the back of the chair he was balancing on.

*

There was a lull in villainous activities and every Avenger took the opportunity to enjoy some recreational time. Tony promptly went to his workshop and hadn't emerged until Pepper showed up a week later with a reacher-and-grabber stick; Bucky and Natasha had flown together to do something gleefully destructive in Chechnya; the others scattered, each to their own devices. Steve took his motorcycle, sullenly took the helmet that Pepper thrust wordlessly into his hands, and drove off into the pinking horizon.

A month later, when they all met again, there was one notable surprise.

"Odin's Beard," Thor whispered.

"Steve's beard," Bucky corrected weakly. He stared at the quickly reddening face - half a face, the half he could see above a surprisingly-dark, unsurprisingly groomed thatch of hair.

"What are we looking at?" Tony said, walking in with his attention on a gadget in his hands. He looked up and breathed, "Steve's beard!"

"Exactly," Bucky said. Then he made a sound suspiciously like a snort.

"Fuck you," Steve said preemptively, and then, "are we still on that?"

"I would like to be on that," Tony said, then blinked. Then took a step back. "I came here for coffee," he announced defensively, and made a beeline for the counter.

"What?" Steve said.

"You an' me both, ironballs," Bucky mumbled.

"I thought it was the moustache you're supposed to ride," Natasha said, looking bored. Next to her, Clint leaned and whispered something in her ear. "No, _you_ stay clean-shaven," she ordered. Clint wasn't inclined to argue.

"I never know what any of you are talking about anymore," Steve said, dejected.

*

Steve kept his beard. Either because he really liked it, or because he really hated shaving, or out of spite for the whole bizarre beard thing the others were doing, but he kept it. Looked ridiculous with the cowl on, or at least Tony said so, but Steve remarked that as long as the Iron Man suit had 'retractable abs', he wasn't taking any fashion advice from 'a flying oscar trophy'.

Tony was so moved by the academy award reference that he dropped the topic and let the abs comment slide.

*

Steve was asked at a press conference if he considered himself a bear now. At his look of non-comprehension, the reporter added, "You know, because of the beard?"

"What?" Steve said.

*

Tony took to whistling a certain tune whenever Steve was wearing comfortable clothes indoors. When Steve asked Natasha in confidence what that was all about, she said dismissively, "Oh, it's just the lumberjack chic. Ignore it; the original Python didn't even have a beard."

That did not clear up much of anything. Steve nodded seriously anyway.

*

Outside of battle, Bucky and Tony seemed to be spending a suspicious amount of time together, plotting something. Steve wasn't worried; team activities, he told Sam, were always better when members of the team had personal connections as well.

"I think they're planning a team-up for a personal connection," Sam said. He had that tone that gently encouraged Steve to explore a topic on his own. Unfortunately, Steve wasn't sure what he was setting to explore.

*

"Captain's Beard!" became the catch-phrase of the day. Of the month, really, with both Bucky and Tony using it unabashedly, Clint joining in after a brief conference with Natasha ('just to be clear, I'm not joining the riding party' -'duly noted, birdie'), and eventually even Thor jumping into the fray, apparently untroubled by the team's lack of admiration for his own beard.

And then it trickled from the battlefield to the rest of their lives.

"Captain's Beard!" Tony exclaimed, sucking on his finger where the soldering iron sparked.

"Captain's Beard," Natasha swore at Bucky when he just about very nearly beat her at chess.

"Captain's Beard, that cake's delicious," Thor moaned, hunching over his plate.

"Fuck!" Clint yelled, falling off his perch.

"Every. Single. One of you," Steve muttered, absently scratching his chin.

*

"The riding party" was the codename for whatever project Tony and Bucky had going. Steve politely inquired if this was about motorcycles, and after a confusing reply involving handlebars, when he gleaned that it wasn't, in fact, about motorcycles, he backed off. They deserved their privacy.

None of the other Avengers seemed to be in on this party, although Sam did say that he'd 'consider it, after a few beers', and Thor mentioned something vague about 'many warriors at the table as one'.

"I'm just glad to see Tony and Bucky working so well together," Steve confessed to Clint one day in the gym, "even if I know I'm the butt of the joke."

Clint swallowed his sip of water wrong, choked loudly, and sprayed Steve and the workout mats through his nose and mouth. Steve frowned.

"Butt... of the joke," Clint gasped, struggling for air. Steve patted his back, comforting.

*

"You're not innocent," Pepper said, her opening line marching into the room.

"Eh... excuse me?" Steve said. He and Sam were idly watching a documentary about urban bees. Steve was usually quick on the uptake, more than the average by far, but it took him a second to switch gears.

"You know what they're doing," Pepper demanded again, not asking as much as stating.

Steve risked another glance at the bees, and then hazarded, "Tony and Bucky?"

Pepper nodded. Sam sank back into the sofa, apparently under the impression he could blend into a lavender-and-cream background.

"They're messing with me," Steve said with tolerant acceptance.

"No," Pepper said. "Well, yes," she corrected herself, "but not that. The flirting."

"The..." Steve blinked. "That's part of the messing-with, isn't it?"

"Oy," came a groan from the not-quite-camouflaged Sam.

"That's what I was worried about," Pepper said, and sat across from him. She took his hand in hers, staring straight into his eyes. "Listen to me," she now said calmly, with the same tone she used to herd Tony to meetings he sorely did not want to go to. "Those are two very resourceful, intelligent, driven men that you have there. They are clever, they are goal-oriented, and they do not settle for second best."

Steve nodded, not quite following. Yes, his team-mates were great guys. Great men, some would say.

"But they are idiots," Pepper was now saying.

Steve frowned. Sam snorted.

"They are five year olds," Pepper was saying. "Tony's flirting style is to pull on your proverbial ponytail. Bucky's style involves mostly looking dashing and waiting for the other person to catch a clue, and I'm afraid that in your case, it's just a faulty strategy."

"What?" Steve said. He felt a little like he did back when he was half-deaf, and sometimes he'd only catch parts of a conversation, desperately trying to patch together the missing bits.

"Beards aside," Pepper started. Sam snorted again. Without pause, she daintily picked up a double fudge Oreo from the table and threw it at his head, "for all their teasing, both of these men plan on propositioning you, some time soon. You should be aware, and you should make up your mind. The best option would be for you to step up to the plate, head them off at the pass."

Steve was catching up, but he was still finding it hard to believe. "You think they're being serious?"

"Oh my God," Sam was saying weakly, laughing quietly under his breath and nibbling on the Oreo.

"They're serious," Pepper said, "and they are getting on my nerves. Whether you let them down easy, pick one of them, or let them both ride that beard 'till the cows come home - do it soon."

She rose, compassionate yet businesslike, all poised elegance, and left. Steve looked after her, and then back to Sam.

"You knew about this?" he asked. "Who are you texting?"

"Clint," Sam said, not looking up from his phone, "because I refuse to be the only one to bust a gut here."

*

Well, one thing about Steve Rogers, he never shied away from a confrontation. He readied himself, straightened the edges of his shirt, held his head high, and knocked on the door.

"Riding party strategy meeting, go away," sounded Bucky's voice from within.

Steve could feel his face flushing already. "It's me," he called through the door.

There was a moment of silence, then some shuffling as if papers were moved hastily away. Then Tony opened the door and said, a little hoarse, "Come in."

The room they were in was one of the many non-specific rooms in the tower, possessing of two sofas facing each other, a conference table on the other end, and a white wall with no decorations for screening on. It was dark now. Steve noticed a piece of paper peeking from underneath the sofa Bucky was sitting on. He also noticed Bucky's lips being redder than usual, and the tail of Tony's t-shirt stuck in his zipper.

So they weren't exactly _waiting_. Steve smirked.

He straddled the armrest of the other sofa, keeping them both under his gaze.

"I figured it's about time you tell me exactly what this riding party is all about," he finally said.

"It's nothing," Bucky blurted.

"Just a joint project," Tony said.

"We're gonna work it out, don't worry," Bucky said.

"It's a mind problem. A riddle," Tony said.

"We'll figure it out," Bucky said.

"Any day now," Tony said, and his voice was hoarse again.

"Why don't you tell me what the problem is," Steve said, letting his words drag. "Maybe I can do something about it."

"We're good," Bucky said hurriedly.

"Yeah, we know what we're doing," Tony added.

For a moment, Steve thought that maybe, somehow, despite all historical evidence to the contrary, maybe Pepper was wrong. But then he noticed the way Tony fidgeted and the way Bucky licked his lower lip.

"Jarvis," he said pointedly, "pull up the most recently closed file on display."

"No," Tony choked, but the slide was already lit on the wall.

Steve gaped. Then he laughed out loud.

The thing was ridiculous. It was like the most complicated football plan Steve had ever seen. There were arrows, and X's, and little notes scribbled saying 'what if he doesn't like flowers?' and 'wine doesn't work!' underlined twice. There was a tiny little line at the bottom, in Bucky's handwriting, saying 'ask Natasha?'.

And at the top of the display was a rude sketch of him, done by a very unprofessional hand, in all his bearded glory.

Even when the belly laugh died down, he couldn't stop snickering.

"In my defence," Bucky said, disgruntled, "I wanted to sit on that face long before you covered half of it with hair."

Steve _giggled_. He couldn't deny it.

"In my defence, that wasn't the end I was looking at," Tony said, and then, with Bucky's elbow in his ribs, he added, "Yeah, yeah, and I'm also in it for your personality."

"We both are," Bucky said fiercely.

Steve wasn't laughing anymore. He felt warmth coiling in his gut, spreading heat and want.

"And you thought the way to get it is to _annoy_ me," he said, because he wasn't going to let them get away with it.

"It worked with _him_ ," they both said in unison, then turned to each other, outraged.

It was hilarious. Steve was guffawing again, but this time he tumbled onto the sofa proper and beckoned the two of them to come to him. They did, hesitant.

"Sit down," he said, tears down his cheeks, and patted the sofa on both his sides. When they settled comfortably, he added, "Pepper was right."

"Pepper's always right," Tony said automatically, then frowned in suspicion. "What did she say?"

"That you're both idiots, and that I should make the first step," Steve said, grabbed Tony's hand, turned his head to Bucky, and moved in for a kiss.

*

It was hours later when Tony finally moved, stretched, stood up, and switched on the light.

"I have beard burn on my thighs," he said.

"Mine's fading," Bucky said sorrowfully through a yawn.

"Mine's gone completely," Steve said, sounding far more awake than the other two, "which is a really good reason to come here and give me more of it."

Tony grinned salaciously. "By the Captain's Beard, you're right," he said, and dove in before Steve had a chance to change his mind.

 

*

**Author's Note:**

> Inspiration: calime and "Lenin's beard quivering"; and fics that use "the soviet" or "ex-soviet" in scenes where American-Russian politics are irrelevant, like sex scenes for example. Salute to cinder for "at least we're not swearing"
> 
> Learny links:
> 
> [Lumberjack chic](https://media.giphy.com/media/rD7WolK6vkWLC/giphy.gif): beard, plaid.  
> [Lumberjack Song: Monty Python](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QgaRd4d8hOY). No beard.  
> [Moustache ride](https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=moustache%20ride), from UD  
> [Handlebar](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Handlebar_moustache) moustache.  
> Random [football plan](https://www.scrapbook.com/store/ph-p-0171e.html), just in case.


End file.
